mcfearless

let me tell you what i've been doing for the last hour or so.

inquiring about positions/internships/jobs with missions organizations in africa. starting this fall. yes, that means what you think it means.

dumb? maybe. i like to think of it as obedience to my Lord who has put a calling on me like i've never felt before.

would love advice, suggestions, prayer, etc.

everything in its right place

wow. i feel as though there is so much to update on, but i'm also not really sure how to put it all into words. let's try a sort of list format:

a) city stages: lots of really good music. they really brought it with the lineup this year, and most of the bands i saw didn't disappoint. just a few of the great ones were act of congress, citizen cope, eliot morris, will hoge, dave barnes, grace potter and the nocturnals, jon mclaughlin, jon black, micah dalton, michael franti and spearhead, buddy guy, ben harper, etc. got to hang out with a bunch of old friends, some who i expected to see, others that i didn't. both were welcome company. aaaaand i almost got arrested. i think i'll save that story for another time.

2) it was also a tough weekend. if you and i are close, i've probably asked you for prayer in the last 4 or 5 days. i've made some mistakes this weekend that i sorely regret. i guess i can go ahead and be frank about this. i ended a relationship with a pretty great girl at the end of april. for a while, it was really easy for me. almost thoughtlessly easy. being the crazy over-analyzer that i am, that ease was really weird for me, and that should have been a sign that it wasn't always going to be that way. anyway, it's gotten hard the last week or so. did i make the right choice? did i let the best thing i ever had slip away with absolutely no remorse? or was all of the doubt i had felt in the months leading up to our split there for a reason? at times like this when it gets hard, it's easy to ignore and look past the reasons why we broke up in the first place. but all of that is still there. i think i'm coming to the conclusion that i miss the comfort of it more than anything. being in birmingham for 4 days was tough, because that was our domain. we tore that town up for 3 1/2 years. and SO many things there remind me of her and us that it's really emotionally draining to be around it all. but regardless of all of that, i still think today that i made the right choice.

and i definitely didn't come to that realization on my own. the Body. the Body of Christ. how THANKFUL i am for you! i have had so many loyal friends fighting for me these last couple of days. without that i would be utterly lost. the Lord has been so gracious to me.

III) tiger woods is the best athlete on the planet. argue with me all you want, but what he did this weekend was special. especially after finding out that his knee was a lot more screwed up than we even thought.

d) glad the nba finals are over. get outta here, celtics (love you, oldham).

cinco) had a really interesting conversation last night with a new friend about politics and religion. where they fit together and where they most certainly do not. maybe some fodder for another post down the road.

EDIT. there must be a 6 and a G.

6) new coldplay album. it's good. really good. listen here. when i can afford it i'm going to purchase it.

g) i'm going to have another nephew. really pumped about that. hope and shepherd aaaaand... virgil. not really, but i want that to be his name.


if anyone has made it this far, thanks for reading. you are loved and appreciated. i miss kenya. and want to go back tomorrow.

the power of prayer.

i've heard over and over how powerful prayer can be. but i don't know if i've ever actually believed that until last night. saving all the details, i was having a somewhat rough evening, and i inquired amongst my faithful friends for some intercession.

but before i could even get my phone out (and we all know my phone is never far away), i had a message on the handy facebook from someone who was an acquaintance at best, saying basically "chandler, you've been on my heart and mind a lot today. i hope you're doing well, and i'm thinking about you in whatever is going on." needless to say, i never should have been on this person's mind. but what perfect timing! our Lord works in mysterious ways, to be sure. after a long, comforting conversation with this new friend and some assurance and prayer from some other great friends, i felt extremely comforted and renewed.

i've always been a pretty crappy pray-er. i don't think i pray well out loud, and even when i am alone, my diligence and eloquence both leave something to be desired. but what i am trying to learn, accept, and believe is, "so what??" i don't think the Lord desires huge words or loooooong, wordy prayers. he does desire diligence, i think, and that's something i need to work on. but either way, He answers. faithfully.

as one of my friends put it, plainly but powerfully, "He is good. so good."

hymns.

i love hymns. i always have. i used to love singing them in church while i sat with my grandparents growing up. i can distinctly remember their voices as they attempted to sing on key. it's one of my fondest memories of growing up at bluff park. once i began to sing in choirs and understand harmony, i loved trying to sing the other parts, instead of just the melody. when i decided to try my hand at learning piano, i sat down at our piano with the good ol' united methodist hymnal and starting playing. as the years passed and Jesus started to become more real to me, i slowly started to spend a little bit of time dissecting the texts of these hymns as i played them. and today, the more that i read hymn texts from the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries, i realize that these are the men and women who GOT IT.

in my ever-growing frustration with the state of the american church and our "christian" music, i only have to go back to these songs. these melodies and harmonies. these poems. to be honest, in my times of greatest doubt and unbelief, i come back to many of these hymns to find solace and comfort. i realize that i'm not the only one who's ever felt like that. we still sing the words of these men who felt very similar to or exactly the way i find myself feeling all the time. Jesus is alive, and He is alive in these words. Jesus exists in the words and music of hillsong, charlie hall, derek webb, or whoever else, but when i sing the songs of charles wesley, isaac watts, and william williams, it gives me hope like nothing outside of His word can.

just read this. this is beauty:

i love the windows of thy grace
through which my Lord is seen.
and long to meet my Saviour's face
without a glass between.

oh that the happy hour would come
to change my faith to sight;
i shall behold my Lord at home
in a diviner light.

haste, my Belov'd, and remove
these interposing days.
then shall my passions all be love
and all my pow'rs be praise.

-i. watts

disragarding the lies.

how easy it has become to believe lies that satan places in my head!

i have always always struggled a bit with self-doubt. and when i say "a bit", i mean a lot. i constantly find myself easily giving in to the idea that i can't do something that i want to do. it happens everyday, and i'm basically sick of it. it's time for confidence to be something that i'm not scared of.

i may not be the best singer in the world, but i've accomplished a good bit that i have my voice to thank for.

i may not play guitar or piano better than a lot of people i know, but i ought to be content and thankful for the ability that i do have.

i may always feel like i'm bothering others, or in someone else's way, but it's time to stop thinking that way.

we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others. we compare financial statuses, dating statuses, talents, abilities, strongpoints, and even fears and problems. this is 100% a waste of our time, and i, for one, am sick of it. in philippians, paul says to be content in all circumstances. good or bad. whether you're lying on your deathbed or standing at the alter on your wedding day. i am praying for the strength to believe this and do it. join me, will you?

happy memorial day. a lot of people have sacrificed a lot for you and me. thank them today.

self-ish.

i am that. i pray that i can no longer be. change me, oh God.

after the last tear falls, there is love.

quick update, for anyone that reads this...

just got back from a week-ish at disney world. my first time, and loved it about 1000 x more than i thought i would. it really is very magical.

the Lord has been teaching me a lot about myself lately. really scary things that are hard to even admit to myself. but these lessons are necessary, especially where i am right now.

it's been about a month since my life changed forever. i never expected to learn so much from a relationship ending, and it's been a really strange but rewarding time. things just keep getting better.

it looks as though an extended amount of time living in Kenya is in my future. and that is largely what keeps me going.

lately i've been shown many things that would fall into the category of "unexpected". unexpected decisions, unexpected plans, unexpected people, unexpected conversations, unexpected friendships. no matter how unexpected, all of these have been greatly appreciated and enjoyed.

i love my life. my Father has been quite graceful and faithful.