stark realizations

read with caution. and don't judge...i'm still hashing this out within myself, and these thoughts are new and real and not necessarily pretty.

i don't have a father. let me back up... technically i do (and yes, i'm talking about father, not Father... let me get past the worldly stuff first). eddy parker is my biological father. but is he my father? no. i haven't talked to him since i was in 10th grade, and the relationship before that wasn't great. my parents were divorced in 1995, when i was 8. up until that time, in my child-like understanding, i thought he was a good dad who came to my baseball games and made me go to church. after the divorce, he was still a "good" dad, one who would get my brother and i on his weekends and take us to do somewhat fun things. buy us things, etc. (as you can see, nothing emotional... that continued, by the way)

as time went on and i got older, my mom (who i obviously lived with) started being a little more real with me about the way my dad had treated her, us, and the way he had been/was living his life. and over the course of a few years, my opinion of him began to change drastically. i eventually stopped caring about going to his house on his weekends, and he didn't seem to care much more than i did about having a relationship. over time, and as i observed more and more, he faded from my life. there is SO much more to this story.. stuff i would love to share with whoever cares enough to listen. but that's a very annotated version.

the point is, i never REALLY cared. i know so many people (including my own brothers) who have been affected in really serious and crappy ways by the lack of a good father. i think we all do. but i never thought i was one of those people. i always just wrote off not having a father as bad luck, and i definitely never considered it my fault. i saw it as his loss, because i would have been a pretty awesome son, i think (ask my mommy...she'll tell you!). it's like if you have NEVER had mountain dew, you don't miss it, because you don't have anything to judge your mountain dew-less experience against (terribly silly example, i know... but i like mtn dew... a lot).

so i've always been fine. i had other semi-father figures: my older brother is 8 years older, youth directors, older male family friends, etc. but it's not really the same. and a majority of my friends didn't have parents with incredibly healthy relationships where the kids REALLY looked up to their dad and could observe a good relationship in their parents. therefore, i never really had anything to look at. to learn from. but i didn't think i needed it. i've always been fine. i've always THOUGHT i was fine.

but the last few months, it's really been starting to hit me. the older i get, the closer i get to the time where i would normally be getting married/having kids (i know i'm nowhere near this, but i'm approaching the generally accepted time where many humans decide to take that route). and this is where these thoughts all get really complicated. i'm beginning to think that all this dad-less existence i've had is going to come back and bite me really hard in the ass in the next 5 years or so. do i have any clue how to be a good dad? do i have any clue how to be a good husband? granted, since i got to college i have observed SO many more solid Christian families/fathers, including my own brother, than i ever did in my formative years. so that's good and all, but none of it is firsthand. none of it is constant contact. my brother is 3 hours away, and i see he and his family maybe once every 2 months.

i've always been a VERY self-sufficient person, not wanting to rely on others for things i think i can handle myself, but i can't help but think that i really have no clue how to do this (outside of the Word... again, i haven't forgotten my Father...i'm speaking in a practical sense). i've had so little guidance. so little example. my mom is the most incredible mother i could have ever asked for, and i respect and love her more than anyone else on earth for what she's been through and continues to go through so that my brother and i can do what we want. but there are things that a father is supposed to be responsible for. and i'd love to name them all off, but i'm not so sure i know what they are. i have such a small understanding of what a father is supposed to be. sure, i am to love my kids. provide for them. but how? why? what else? (i sound stupid, but you catch my drift.)

and don't even get me started on being a good husband. i see even more clearly there that i don't understand much. i can't help but think that my 3 1/2 year relationship failed largely because i really don't know how to treat a woman! i considered myself a great boyfriend. i screwed up a lot, but i think overall, i did a good job, and i think she would attest to that (i hope). and i know i'm not supposed to be perfect. but, as i dissect that period in my life and why it didn't work, i can't help but think that i didn't love her well enough because of the "dad/husband" issue. and then i tend to think, will i ever be able to love a woman well enough? do i have any idea how to?

like i said, i understand that, above all of this, there is a Perfect Father who watches over me, loves me, created me uniquely, etc. and i know that the Bible is as good a guide as any on how to be a pretty kick-ass father and an equally great husband. but a lot of times, it's hard to know how to translate that to the 'here and now'. i also know that 99% of what i'm feeling is just lies, lies, lies. but still, the thought remains. when the time comes, will i know how to love my girlfriend/wife with the kind of selflessness and grace that is required of me? and will i know how to love my children the same way? and is this lack of a father going to fall on me like a ton of bricks in the near future, like it has done to so many others? do i feel equipped to handle this?