the pull that shall not cease

i'm not sure if i expected anything. i've always viewed expectation as a really easy way to set myself up for disappointment. maybe it was that i had no idea what to expect in the first place.

i do know that i was scared. and excited. doing something you've never done before always has some combination of those two emotions. scared, but excited. excited, but scared. in the case of something new, i don't think it's possible to have one without the other. i think He likes it that way. He probably enjoys the uncertainty that bothers us, because he knows that it wouldn't exist if we kept our eyes focused on Him. i tend to think i serve a somewhat humorous God.

the preparations felt endless. was it worth all of this? all of this money, all of this prayer, all of this time i was giving up with the people i love... would a difference be made, not on my behalf, but on His?


fast forward to august 4th, 2007.

it was over. it was scary, it was exciting. it was unexpected. all of it. but it was worth it. a difference was made, not on my behalf but on His.

i saw people saved. both from physical death and from eternal. i saw miracles. i met incredible people who will be with me forever, whether i ever see them again or not. i found a home away from home.

but as much as a 2 month "mission trip" (that's a stupid term, hence the quotes) to Kenya was the most challenging, eye-opening, bold, frightening, beautiful thing i've ever been involved with, today, 7 months later, i still don't think i've gotten very far in dissecting it. i'll probably be figuring it out for years to come. i doubt i'll ever fully understand why He sent me there.

the point of all this is, i want to go back. i need to go back. i have to go back. i know that everyone who ever goes on a trip like this feels the same way, but every day i wake up thinking a little more that i'm supposed to be doing it for the rest of my life. and that's really damn scary, to be frank. the direction i see the next few years heading doesn't really involve any trips to africa. so am i doing something wrong?

i've been struggling a lot lately with what the easy road for my future is, and what the correct road for my future is. the easy road being what my selfish self wants, and the correct being what He wants for me.

my prayer is that i could a.) figure out if anything that i want is included in what He wants, and b.) to follow His path. always. without delay, without hesitation, without ceasing.