what can i say?

i'm the most selfish person i know. i posted about this a month or so ago, but i have thought about it some this evening and have come to that realization. even the people in my life who i think are incredibly selfish (and there are a few) do not compare to the guy i see in the mirror. the central point of Jesus and His teaching is selflessness. obviously the sirens are going off, and there's a huge issue there.

i'm glad i recognize this problem, at least. but it definitely isn't enough to just see that i am, 99% of the time, only concerned with myself. there must be prayers, pleading with my Father, and action on my part.

the worst part about it is, on the rare occasion that i do something for someone else that is supposed to be some type of masquerade as me being like Jesus, the sole purpose is usually just to make myself feel good. to make me feel like i did something. to give MYSELF the glory, when i deserve none of it. selflessness leads immediately to selfISHness.

as before, i pray that i can no longer be this way. that i will have the mind to recognize when i'm doing this. and that i will have the heart to truly be acting as Jesus would act. not for myself at all.

(ps: my attempt at posting on the iphone "live from burger night" was a quasi-failure. dan wins, i guess.)

live from burger night

pensive, doubting, fearful heart

lately, and often, i find myself searching for validation in something other than our Lord.
and for something to comfort me other than our Lord.
and for companionship during the lonely times from someone other than our Lord.
and solace from the struggles of life from somewhere other than our Lord.

i do not doubt that this is a common problem for you as well, my friends. let's fight it together. let's fight for each other. surrender.

in other news, is the expression "girl of my dreams" a fair label to put on someone? i'm not really sure why i ask, but i've been thinking, if i am bold/stupid enough to put that label on one person, does that mean any other potential mate is, in a way, a disappointment? especially if this so-called "GOMD" is not someone who i see myself getting a chance with?

still toying with the idea of sitting out this semester, or this year entirely, and going away to africa. i had a long conversation recently with a friend who has spent some time as a "full-time missionary" (isn't that what we're all called to be, no matter our vocation?). i was seeking some guidance and perspective on my seemingly insane idea to do this. he was helpful and encouraging, all while trying to keep me on the ground about the whole thing. thankful for you, scott w.

i desire for my blogs to not be as random as they are, but i always forget what i really wanted to write about, and think of 10 other things.

mark teixeira is scoring me some major fantasy points today. 3 hr's.

hymn text snippet of the day:

had i the guilt of all the world,
He's able to forgive.
why should i fear?
the debt is paid,
if only i believe.
-william williams

simple, yet beautiful and true.

mcfearless

let me tell you what i've been doing for the last hour or so.

inquiring about positions/internships/jobs with missions organizations in africa. starting this fall. yes, that means what you think it means.

dumb? maybe. i like to think of it as obedience to my Lord who has put a calling on me like i've never felt before.

would love advice, suggestions, prayer, etc.

everything in its right place

wow. i feel as though there is so much to update on, but i'm also not really sure how to put it all into words. let's try a sort of list format:

a) city stages: lots of really good music. they really brought it with the lineup this year, and most of the bands i saw didn't disappoint. just a few of the great ones were act of congress, citizen cope, eliot morris, will hoge, dave barnes, grace potter and the nocturnals, jon mclaughlin, jon black, micah dalton, michael franti and spearhead, buddy guy, ben harper, etc. got to hang out with a bunch of old friends, some who i expected to see, others that i didn't. both were welcome company. aaaaand i almost got arrested. i think i'll save that story for another time.

2) it was also a tough weekend. if you and i are close, i've probably asked you for prayer in the last 4 or 5 days. i've made some mistakes this weekend that i sorely regret. i guess i can go ahead and be frank about this. i ended a relationship with a pretty great girl at the end of april. for a while, it was really easy for me. almost thoughtlessly easy. being the crazy over-analyzer that i am, that ease was really weird for me, and that should have been a sign that it wasn't always going to be that way. anyway, it's gotten hard the last week or so. did i make the right choice? did i let the best thing i ever had slip away with absolutely no remorse? or was all of the doubt i had felt in the months leading up to our split there for a reason? at times like this when it gets hard, it's easy to ignore and look past the reasons why we broke up in the first place. but all of that is still there. i think i'm coming to the conclusion that i miss the comfort of it more than anything. being in birmingham for 4 days was tough, because that was our domain. we tore that town up for 3 1/2 years. and SO many things there remind me of her and us that it's really emotionally draining to be around it all. but regardless of all of that, i still think today that i made the right choice.

and i definitely didn't come to that realization on my own. the Body. the Body of Christ. how THANKFUL i am for you! i have had so many loyal friends fighting for me these last couple of days. without that i would be utterly lost. the Lord has been so gracious to me.

III) tiger woods is the best athlete on the planet. argue with me all you want, but what he did this weekend was special. especially after finding out that his knee was a lot more screwed up than we even thought.

d) glad the nba finals are over. get outta here, celtics (love you, oldham).

cinco) had a really interesting conversation last night with a new friend about politics and religion. where they fit together and where they most certainly do not. maybe some fodder for another post down the road.

EDIT. there must be a 6 and a G.

6) new coldplay album. it's good. really good. listen here. when i can afford it i'm going to purchase it.

g) i'm going to have another nephew. really pumped about that. hope and shepherd aaaaand... virgil. not really, but i want that to be his name.


if anyone has made it this far, thanks for reading. you are loved and appreciated. i miss kenya. and want to go back tomorrow.

the power of prayer.

i've heard over and over how powerful prayer can be. but i don't know if i've ever actually believed that until last night. saving all the details, i was having a somewhat rough evening, and i inquired amongst my faithful friends for some intercession.

but before i could even get my phone out (and we all know my phone is never far away), i had a message on the handy facebook from someone who was an acquaintance at best, saying basically "chandler, you've been on my heart and mind a lot today. i hope you're doing well, and i'm thinking about you in whatever is going on." needless to say, i never should have been on this person's mind. but what perfect timing! our Lord works in mysterious ways, to be sure. after a long, comforting conversation with this new friend and some assurance and prayer from some other great friends, i felt extremely comforted and renewed.

i've always been a pretty crappy pray-er. i don't think i pray well out loud, and even when i am alone, my diligence and eloquence both leave something to be desired. but what i am trying to learn, accept, and believe is, "so what??" i don't think the Lord desires huge words or loooooong, wordy prayers. he does desire diligence, i think, and that's something i need to work on. but either way, He answers. faithfully.

as one of my friends put it, plainly but powerfully, "He is good. so good."

hymns.

i love hymns. i always have. i used to love singing them in church while i sat with my grandparents growing up. i can distinctly remember their voices as they attempted to sing on key. it's one of my fondest memories of growing up at bluff park. once i began to sing in choirs and understand harmony, i loved trying to sing the other parts, instead of just the melody. when i decided to try my hand at learning piano, i sat down at our piano with the good ol' united methodist hymnal and starting playing. as the years passed and Jesus started to become more real to me, i slowly started to spend a little bit of time dissecting the texts of these hymns as i played them. and today, the more that i read hymn texts from the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries, i realize that these are the men and women who GOT IT.

in my ever-growing frustration with the state of the american church and our "christian" music, i only have to go back to these songs. these melodies and harmonies. these poems. to be honest, in my times of greatest doubt and unbelief, i come back to many of these hymns to find solace and comfort. i realize that i'm not the only one who's ever felt like that. we still sing the words of these men who felt very similar to or exactly the way i find myself feeling all the time. Jesus is alive, and He is alive in these words. Jesus exists in the words and music of hillsong, charlie hall, derek webb, or whoever else, but when i sing the songs of charles wesley, isaac watts, and william williams, it gives me hope like nothing outside of His word can.

just read this. this is beauty:

i love the windows of thy grace
through which my Lord is seen.
and long to meet my Saviour's face
without a glass between.

oh that the happy hour would come
to change my faith to sight;
i shall behold my Lord at home
in a diviner light.

haste, my Belov'd, and remove
these interposing days.
then shall my passions all be love
and all my pow'rs be praise.

-i. watts